I wrote a blog post a few months ago and never published it. I’m not sure why I didn’t. I think it’s because I hit a personal nerve when I wrote it and thought it was stupid. But today, I am saying screw that. Why? I feel like it should be said. I feel like I can be real through this journey. Though it’s not relevant at this moment, it was at one time and it meant a lot to me that I wrote it. So here goes nothing, the blog post that almost didn’t live.
Writing isn’t the easiest profession in the world. It takes hours upon hours to improve the craft enough to write a draft, which then takes weeks, months, or even years to complete. Obviously some are faster writers/creators than others, but the bottom line is, writing takes time. Over the last month, after I pressed publish on Eluded, I took the opportunity to NOT write, (insert gasps), and just reflect on who I am as an author and who I want to be. Often I do this in my personal life as well, but I’ve found it to be helpful in my professional life too. For the past 8 months, I have pushed myself through hard deadlines, written pages upon pages and trashed them, got promoted at the day job which then rolled out a huge software upgrade, got horribly sick (eff you pneumonia) and published 3 novels. The truth was, I needed a break not just from writing but from everything. So I hopped on a plane and visited Colorado. While I was there, I refused to open my laptop even though I brought it because it’s like a security blanket to me.
At one point, I stood at the top of Lookout Drive in Golden, CO and realized how insignificant I was as a human being and it did exactly what it did to Abbot, it fecking empowered me. To see the little cars driving on the road, see dots of people walking down the street or riding their bikes made me understand that no matter what happened, everyone keeps moving forward. So I had a choice: keep moving forward with the masses or stop. Those people below me had no clue who I was, that I was even on top of that mountain, and they didn’t care. If I would have fell off the side, they wouldn’t have even known. Sometimes I feel like that as a writer.
At the top of Pikes Peak, where it was 32 degrees, I looked out again. At one point a huge gust of wind pushed me off balance but I adapted and stood strong and it reminded me of my life in the literary world. I know some of you are asking what the hell I am talking about. I’m really not trying to be ambiguous or philosophical but I’ll break it down. Sometimes I question myself and ask if I am really meant for all of this. It’s not a bad question, as in I’m going to just stop writing, it’s just a personal reflection question. When I started writing, it was because I had a story to tell. I was passionate and I couldn’t stop thinking about the whole process: what it would feel like to release, how people would love/hate my writing, the plot and characters of the story, or if could I really accomplish it, etc. That part hasn’t really changed within me, but I’m adapting. I feel like I’m at the point where I’m up at the top of a mountain (not the highest one by any means) looking out watching the little dots move around me and feel the strong gusts of wind push me off balance…. until I grab my footing. Maybe I’m getting too deep and no it wasn’t because I had any wacky grass in Colorado.
I often question myself.
What if I never accomplish any of my goals?
What if my novels never gain traction?
What if I can’t think of anything else to write?
What if I’m not meant to do this?
What if I’m a failure?
That’s the big one.
Failure. That’s the one that drives at me. Each one of those questions are real concerns and maybe sometimes I psych myself out. I’m sure I’m not the only person who has gone through this or even made it public, and I’m sure I won’t be the last. I’ve always promised to be real, to be the person that I am, and share my feelings with you to show everyone that some authors do worry about these things. Maybe I’m being too real?
While I was in Colorado, I reconnected with that burning passion inside of me, the one that inspired me to write and publish in the first place. I think short reflection breaks are a great thing. It helps people reevaluate what’s important, what’s not, and to look deeper within themselves, at least it does for me. We can’t keep worrying about the insignificant factors in our lives. It causes unnecessary stress and does no good. I know that I have to keep pushing forward but I don’t want to write for the sake of writing, just to push another generic book out to the world. I want to write because I have a story to tell, because I have something to say, and I want to create words that I’m proud to call my own. Eventually I want to write full-time and throwing down meaningless words for the hell of it is an injustice to myself and to you.
It takes lots of dedication, determination, and time to accomplish everything but most of all it takes patience, something that I haven’t quite conquered yet but I’m trying. So with all this being said: I’m back. I’m ready to write. I’m ready to bring you Single and No Longer Weak. It’s been too long and I’m itching to dive back into the world that stole my thoughts and paved itself through my heart. I might not be the most popular author, and I might not rank on some big lists, but I can promise you this: the words I write are bigger than all of that, they are for you, the ones who get the story and characters, who understands the words that I write. I didn’t want to write No Longer Weak for the sake of writing, I wanted to give the series the conclusion it deserves, the ending you deserve. I’m beyond grateful that several people loved it. It’s not about the numbers. It was never about making X amount of dollars. It was about writing a story that people cared about and were passionate about, and the messages and emails I’ve received while I took my short secret sabbatical reminded me why I started this journey. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
<3 <3 <3 <3